Today, I am confused. Allah did not protect my mother. But, neither did Jehovah God. And now she is gone.
They say my blood is pure from Abram through Ishmael. And I am to be the one to perform the Ultimate Honor to Allah and start the purification of the Infidels and the return of Allah.
My father says it is the will of Allah for me to slay the Infidels; “Starting with the pigs littering our sacred land with Christian Bibles smuggled in from the Great Satan.”
I wandered the streets aimlessly; thinking and looking for mother.
Suddenly, the missionary girl handed me a Christian Bible. “Hi, my name is Sarah.” She said.
Her beauty deceives me. She told me the story of Abram’s name change to Abraham. I didn’t tell her my name – or did I? My mind has been defiled by those lips speaking my name.
Her eyes have poisoned my heart. Those deep blue eyes misting with sincerity couldn’t be as pure as they seem. The tongue speaking my name and telling of Abram’s name change couldn’t be as tender as the sound of her voice or as soft as the look of her lips. Her heart cannot be as warm as her touch as she handed me, “The Holy Scriptures, a love letter from God to you.”
I must be deceived. I feel attracted to a snake, a viper, I have been seduced, poisoned. The feelings of love and peace and joy I felt as I listened to her family sing and speak are the weapons of deception to lure me to trap me and destroy me.
What have they done with my mother?
I will not be fooled. I will
swayslay these attempting to freesway me from fulfilling my ultimate honor to Jehovah God Ahhhlah. allahAllah.
God is love. Why do they keep saying that?
Why do their words burn inside of me?
Am I a traitor to allah?
I have pure blood straight from Abram through Ishmael. I am chosen by Allah… Does Allah love me?... Do I love him? God is love? Is Allah God? Is Allah love? God is love?
What is this strange magic? When in their presence listening to their words I feel lighter, as if I can breathe easier as if a heaviness I didn’t know I had is lifted. WHY?
What is this strange spell? When I think of them I see light. My memory of them holds no shadows.
But, when I think of my people - my family, I see darkness; a cloud shadows them as before a storm… WHY?
How can such beauty flow from one so wretched? I am
in loveundone with her.
WHO EVER IS GOD - HELP!
If Allah is God I will serve him. If Jehovah God of the missionaries is God I will serve Him.
I heard Sarah’s father speak the words to a small group of people standing nearby but the words pierced my heart as if he were speaking directly to me. “God is love and in Him is no darkness at all”
I surrender my will to
Allah God allah ahhhhhh God– Jehovah God is God.
There it is again; lightness. I feel lighter. Just thinking the words – I feel lighter!
Suddenly, I know what they mean…God is love – God is Light.
May 15th 1948
Today I was destined to perform my Ultimate Honor to Allah by strapping “bombs of honor” to my thighs and enter Jerusalem. I was to give new meaning to the “wailing wall.”
In an attempt to stop Israel from being recognized as a sovereign nation the plan was to detonate bombs near the Wailing Wall – knowingly murdering our own people, women and children - and then blame Israel for the attack.
I was the scapegoat, the sacrificial lamb. I don't want to do it. But - if I do not voluntarily walk into the plaza with death strapped to my thighs I will be killed and someone as deceived as I once was will take my place.
There is only one thing to do: Perform the ultimate honor and carry out the mission.
TO BE CONTINUED