How Does It Feel to Wake From Sleep?

“How does it feel, to wake from sleep?”

I jumped a little.

She giggled. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“That’s okay.” I smiled at the child—the most beautiful child I’d ever seen—and scanned the sea of people. Where’d she come from? Do her parents know where she is?

She smiled. “Father knows.”

“Father knows?”

“He knows where I am.” She giggled again. “So, how does it?”

“What? How does what?”

She tilted her head and looked at me—no, it was more like she looked into me. She shook her head ever so slightly. It was that look mom or dad would give me after I’d done something stupid. Which was often. They’d shake their head and say, “What am I gonna do with you?” It was weird, but, right then, in that moment, I felt like that little girl was the adult, and I was the child.

She smiled, nodded and then raised up on her tippy-toes and cupped her little hands over her mouth and whispered, “How does it feel, to wake from sleep?”

“What?” I asked again. This kid was making me nervous. I scanned the crowd again, in search of someone in search of her.

She just stared at me.

The intensity of her gaze, caused me to stop and pay attention. This time I tilted my head, wrinkled my brow, and repeated her question. “How does it feel, to wake from sleep?”

She nodded, and waited.

“Ummm, well, you know. You’re asleep, then you’re awake. Kind of groggy at first—” I smiled—"until after coffee.”

“Groggy?”

“Yeah, you know, foggy, out of it, sleepy, drowsy…groggy.”

She looked down and shook her head. For the first time, this beautiful child looked kind of sad. “No, I don’t know. I’ve never been to sleep.”

I stared at her, my mouth fell open, no words would come. It was unbelievable…but I believed her. “You’ve never been to sleep?”

She looked up and slowly shook her head, “No.” Her smile started small and grew until it glowed, her eyes opened wide, she inched a bit closer and whispered, “but, you’ve never been awake.”

I started to say something, but before I could respond, she said, “I forgive you” and took hold of my hand.

LIGHTNING STRUCK

She was the conduit I was the terminal. All went white. Everything. Every. single. thing. was white bright light, no shadows, no gray.

For the first time in, forever, I was completely awake. Too awake. All at once I knew too much. It was all too clear. I was undone. I wanted to go back to sleep. Go back to the dark. Duck into the shadows. Hide my filthy, dirty rotten sinful life of shame.But there was no place to hide. Nothing but light. All my thoughts, my feelings, my deeds. A.L.L. were exposed to this white, bright, light. Nothing hidden. Everything exposed.

I'd never experienced anything like it, yet, somehow it was familiar. I realized, way down deep inside, that all along, I knew this day would come.

I saw myself in the garden, siding with a serpent and then, killing my brother. I laughed with the masses at Noah and his boat. Spoke with the crowd at the tower of babel.  I surrendered to the security of Pharaoh’s slavery rather than fighting for freedom with the God of Moses. I stood idle as they stoned and burned and ripped the prophets asunder. I remained silent as they cried, “Crucify Him.” I held my peace while millions of Jews were slaughtered. I did nothing when prayer and Bibles were removed from my school.

And then I saw it.

The reason the little girl was here. I was the last vote cast in the wrong direction that opened the door for this child’s mother to have an abortion. I was the straw that broke the camel’s back. 

My hands were just as bloody as the slaughtering surgeon and scalpel.

By my pathetic, pacifist, peacemaking, apathy her little body was murdered before she had a chance to live. I was the reason, this precious soul, never got to feel the warm caress of a mother, the chill of brain-freeze from ice cream, to feel, groggy, or foggy, or sleepy or what it’s like to wake up from a nap.  

There was no hiding from the Truth. 

Even though, by worldly standards, I was nice, I was good, but the truth is, I knowingly sided with the devil. I ignored facts and believed lies, because of my tradition, fleshly desires and pride. 

I didn’t know how much I mattered.

Looking back from here, it seemed so simple. How could I not see the Truth. How could I ignore God’s Word, all those years, echoing so loud and crystal clear?

Yet, I willingly ignored Life and Truth and chose death.

That’s when I noticed the throne, way out in front of us. We were divided. Two seas of people. 

Some were to the right of the throne, others stood with me…on the left. 

I heard these words from the King on the throne: 

"In as much as you've done it unto the least of these, you've done it unto Me."

I knew, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I'd never rest, or know how it feels to wake from sleep, again, because the words “Depart from Me, I never knew you” would be like an unending alarm, echoing through my soul, keeping me awake, forever.